Episode Transcript
[00:00:22] Speaker A: Hey.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: Hey, friends.
On today's episode, I sit down with two of my very best friends who also happen to be my literal next door neighbors. Bryson is an airfield manager in the military, and Jackie is a teacher and pretty much the CEO of the Barnett household. We sat down to talk about navigating marriage when the military is priority one in the relationship. These two have found a consistent balance within the chaos and are candid about the difficulties they have experienced living within a military marriage. Enjoy.
[00:01:10] Speaker C: I feel like living next door is one of those weird things where I either see you guys almost too much, or it's three weeks and I haven't seen you guys totally, because especially, like, in the winter when the kids aren't outside, usually we'd run into each other at the park, but when it's cold and wet, all of a sudden I realize I've been texting you for three weeks, but I haven't actually seen your face.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: I know. We, like, hibernate, and then we come.
[00:01:32] Speaker D: Out when the sun comes out of on purpose, too. That's why there's so many cameras outside of our house. Like, hey, we should probably stay in. We don't want to see them.
[00:01:39] Speaker C: Yeah, I mean, I get it. We're the same way too, because we like to avoid people when we can.
So I. I find it so interesting that we have lived next door for about four years now, and, I mean, we consider you guys our best friends.
I know Bryson has alternative opinions, even though it's a lie, because we are. But. And there's. But there's still so much I don't know about the dynamic of your marriage.
Given that Bryson's in the military and there's a lot of change in your schedules, there's been a lot of periods of time where he's been in deployment, and so you've been on your own. And so I was really excited to kind of get to know you in real time, but also record it on a topic that we haven't really talked about that much. I mean, I guess Jackie shared a couple things with me about, you know, being nervous about another deployment because of the kids, but not really about what it was like. So I'm excited to hear a little bit from you guys, but I kind of want to start at the beginning and take it from where you guys met, because I want to talk about the thought process that went into saying, okay, I'm getting married, and we're going to have that military life, because I feel like that's a big decision. So that's where I'm gonna start. So I wanna hear how you guys met.
[00:02:59] Speaker A: Go ahead, Bryson.
[00:03:02] Speaker D: So my sister actually introduced us in 7th grade. So it's kind of how we got to know each other. Then we followed each other through the rest of middle school and high school and kind of went our separate ways from there. She went off to play basketball in college and, yeah, I joined the military right out of high school and eventually reconnected in what, like 2009 or ten.
[00:03:23] Speaker A: Good old Facebook.
[00:03:24] Speaker D: Good old Facebook. Yeah, 2010. And I was already kind of four years in the military by then. And that was just our life.
[00:03:32] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean, we just kind of. We were friends through high school. I would say more than middle school, but knew of each other in middle school. And then we both went off and did our own things. I went to college. You went off to the military. And we reconnected. And I didn't. I mean, I kind of knew a little bit about the military with my dad kind of having the background, but I didn't know really the full extent of dating somebody or being in a relationship with somebody. So that was obviously having to navigate. That was different.
[00:04:06] Speaker C: Yeah. And so I imagine that you two, at some point, maybe not so formally, but had some conversations about what that would look like, knowing maybe what Bryson knew about his timeline and what the next couple years could look like. Okay, we're getting married. And so what type of conversations did you guys have before you got married or right after you got married about what the dynamic would be like knowing that there'd be periods of time when he'd be gone?
[00:04:36] Speaker A: Well, the biggest change when we first got married is we thought we were gonna move to Texas. He was gonna take a new job in Texas, and I was gonna have to up and leave my family after only being 3 hours away for college. So that was, like, the biggest thing. But we kind of.
I was okay with it until we were told that it probably wasn't a good idea because of the job he was taking. And so we pulled back just because of that, because there was just bad statistics with that job. I don't know if you want to elaborate or.
[00:05:03] Speaker D: Yeah, I don't think we ever had, like, the actual conversation of, like, well, this is what it's gonna be like for you. It was just more of, like, what's the practicality? Like, hey, we discussed early on in our relationship that we're gonna get married.
And then we gotten engaged fairly quickly, probably right at that year mark. And I think that was just kind of for a deployment that was upcoming. And, like, hey, when we get back, this is what's going to happen. I'll be gone for eight months. And so Jackie kind of run and do that stuff, but I don't think we ever sat down and talked like, hey, these are going to be the hardships. And it was kind of a fly by wire, so to speak.
Figure it out as we go. Because we were very young when we.
[00:05:46] Speaker A: Were in college, we did long distance, and because he was still working at Moffitt, and I was obviously in school still. So we did the long distance thing forever, and then we got engaged, and he was like, hey, I have a deployment coming up. So we got engaged in June. He deployed in July, and so then he was gone for eight months. Then he came home, and we got married. So there wasn't really, like, a time when we really got to, like, sit down and, like, think about it too much. And then the first deployment was, quote unquote, easy because I had just moved home, started my new job. We were living. I had moved into his apartment with his friends, and so, like, I had people to, like, kind of keep me company, and so it kind of made things easy. And then once he got back, we, like, jumped right into wedding planning and then got married. So it's kind of like we didn't have time, I guess, to really think about it. And in back of my head, I didn't know what I was getting into. I just thought, okay, he's in the military. Like, it is what it is. I'll make it work, because my job's not as crazy as, obviously, a military lifestyle.
[00:06:50] Speaker C: Well, and it seems he kind of got a little intro by consistently leading up to, okay, we're doing this long distance. You were already spending time away, not necessarily in that day to day grind of being together.
And then all of a sudden, having that taken away, it was more like the opposite. You continued to do it, even you got engaged, continued to have long distance. Very long distance, and not even being able to see each other for a period of time and then got married and then kind of started it, which is very interesting. I think that makes sense why there wasn't some, you know, any kind of formal or even just discussion. Because you were already doing it.
[00:07:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:07:29] Speaker C: Which is not always the case.
[00:07:31] Speaker A: Totally.
[00:07:32] Speaker D: Yeah. I think for. I mean, like, jumping into that first deployment where it was fairly easy. What was it like? So I remember very distinctly being on the phone with you, like, a really grainy Skype call and you asking, what's that alarm going off behind you and kind of like me explaining, like, hey, like, oh, it's just a mortar coming in. Like, we'll be fine. Like, I think that was probably your first taste of what it's like doing the whole military thing and actually being in any kind of danger.
[00:07:59] Speaker A: Totally. That's when I was like, oh, this is like real life.
[00:08:03] Speaker C: This is.
[00:08:04] Speaker A: Something can happen, and I have to, like, either think about it or not think about it, so. Right.
[00:08:10] Speaker C: It's not like training.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:11] Speaker C: Like, actually. So tell me a little bit about the communication when you're deployed. Like, what does that actually look like? How often, what limitations? I mean, I know it's totally different than nowadays. There's a little bit more connection, but what does it actually look like and what are the limits?
[00:08:28] Speaker D: Yeah. So it's fairly easy now because there's video calls, and even in the middle of Iraq and Afghanistan, the US government's great. And we'll set up wifi so we can usually text or skype fairly often. The hard part is now I'm 16 hours ahead or behind in the day, finding that time, or of like, hey, like, I'm awake, or you're still running your life and everything in our life back home. And I'm like, okay, well, I have nothing going on right now. There's nothing really happening, like, what's up? And she's, you know, at work and now running around with kids and holding down the fort and somehow managing everything with me being gone. And she just takes on two roles, which is absolutely incredible.
[00:09:17] Speaker C: Yeah. And I think that kind of. That kind of takes us to probably what was a more difficult adjustment, which was the second time Ryson was deployed and there was now kids in the picture. So I'm going to start with Jackie because I feel like that's probably. You're probably the most impacted on a day to day basis.
[00:09:38] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:09:39] Speaker C: So why don't you tell me a little bit about what that was like?
[00:09:42] Speaker A: So he left when Coulter, our first son, was, what, six months, seven months old. So I'm a brand new mom, and my husband's like, bye, see you later. I'll see you in six months.
It was hard. That was really hard. I felt pretty alone because obviously, as, like, a new mom, I feel like you kind of. You don't feel like you can get out of this, like, being by yourself. You only have your kid type thing. But I was lucky that I did have, like, family around. Some military families don't have that, so I had that, but it was tough. I felt very alone all I had was like, a phone to be like, you know, complaining about whatever it was to him. He's like, I'm a thousand miles away. Like, what do you want me to do? Like, I can't help you. I'm like, I'm just trying to get it off my chest.
And it just. It was a struggle. But when he came back, we slowly figured it out. He had brought up a good. When we had looked at the questions, he had brought up a good point. If you want to elaborate on the struggle of it coming home, I didn't think about it from the outside of the story.
[00:10:51] Speaker D: It's great because I almost completely forgot what I had said earlier, which makes sense, but as you were saying it, a story came up of our backyard was going to be flooded, and I'm 2700 miles away. Like, I don't know what to do. So luckily, like, I have still friends back home in the military. Like, hey, dudes, I need you to come over, drill a hole in our retaining wall, let some water out.
So it's kind of the odd thing where, you know, I'm just doing my job, deployed, and it's a really simple life. You show up, go to work, and that's kind of going on, but you have everything back home, which is that hard balance to kind of figure out to where it's that support. Like, okay, well, Jackie's upset and needs somebody to listen to and, like, all right, well, now my role is to be a punching bag and, like, this is my fault. I brought this on the family, but I remember now it's the coming back home, too, which is really interesting because Jackie had was mom, dad, husband, wife, all of it. And now I'm coming back into her life after being gone. She has her set schedules, and things have changed. I don't know what's going on. And, yeah, I left. My son was six months old. I missed his first steps, first birthday, all that stuff. And now I'm coming home of, like, I don't remember how to be a father. I wasn't a father for very long, and he was kind of a potato when I left. And now he's walking around getting into stuff. And that's kind of the hard dynamic of jumping back in after being gone for so long, to be a husband, a father, and everything else I need to be.
[00:12:33] Speaker A: I think that was the biggest struggle, too, with him being gone and then coming back is like, I didn't realize that I needed to give him time to get back into the swing of things. It was kind of like, why aren't you jumping back in right away?
So that was definitely an adjustment that now, obviously, since we went through it, I know that when he comes back from deployments, like, he's going to need a couple weeks to kind of figure things out. And I still kind of have to take on the brunt of it until he kind of gets his footing. But he's able to do it a lot quicker because he understands, too, that he has to kind of jump back in, especially now that we have kids.
[00:13:10] Speaker D: Yeah, I mean, we've been together, what, 13 years now? 1414 years. I've been in the military 18 years now. So it's all those things that we've kind of learned along the way. Like, I know before I leave for about a week, anything is going to be upsetting to her and she's going to push away to kind of prepare herself mentally to go through this again. So anything that wouldn't be a fight normally is just like a, hey, you didn't do this. You're an awful person. Or whatever it is to kind of have her mentally prep to go. And then when I come back, it's like, well, I'm trying to figure this all out, too. And she's like, here. Here you go. And I think it's something we've kind of figured out. But every single one is a new trip and a new dynamic.
[00:14:00] Speaker C: Right. Because you're talking about a situation where the first time, you know, Coulter was from six months to one, and now you have three, and there's a whole. There's always going to be a whole new set of mess. Right. Whatever that is in your life, whether it's the kids, whether it's just you two in general, your personal lives, your professional lives, there's all. There's going to be a new set of things that make the next time different and hard in different ways. You know, I can't even begin to imagine. I mean, I struggle when he's gone for, like, a couple days, and that's my routine hasn't even changed, really. It's like, you know, we have one and it's. I know he's coming back in a couple days, and sometimes it's like, nice to be able to watch whatever I want on tv and not have to, you know, check with my husband about, you know, what we're gonna watch tonight. But, you know, it's.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: It's.
[00:14:56] Speaker C: It's not even comparable to mentally preparing for something, you know, is not a quick turnaround. And so I could imagine that those weeks leading up are. They almost feel like you're in it already.
[00:15:09] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:15:09] Speaker C: Is what it sounds like.
[00:15:11] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely.
[00:15:12] Speaker D: Yeah. I mean, those weeks prior for, like, big deployments, they're kind of spin at work, trying to get everything packed.
[00:15:19] Speaker C: So you're gone anyway.
[00:15:21] Speaker D: Yeah. Coming back home where it's kind of late at night, and like, hey, this is what's going on. Like, I need a moment to decompress, too. And it's just really interesting. I think all this stuff kind of goes with how do we keep changing with each other and going from there, and then the respect thing, too. I'll be honest, I haven't been very good at sometimes. I've gotten a whole lot better, but knowing and understanding what she has to go through while I'm gone, which is probably a whole lot more difficult.
[00:15:51] Speaker A: I always say I'm the mistress in the relationship, and the military is his wife.
[00:15:57] Speaker C: You're the distraction, right? Like, yeah, that's hard.
Do you have an upcoming timeline for another deployment, or are you done with his new job?
[00:16:11] Speaker A: He shouldn't have. Anything else? Do you have anything else coming up that you told me?
[00:16:14] Speaker C: I remember there was originally, like, a maybe, like, what, a year ago or something? There was like a maybe, and then things changed.
[00:16:20] Speaker D: But, yeah, I switched jobs in between then, so as of right now, nothing. We're kind of looking forward to retirement.
I say it's going to be four years. Jackie thinks it's going to be another ten, but we'll see how it goes as the timeline comes on.
[00:16:36] Speaker C: So you might be able to avoid having to go through that again. Yeah, but what I have seen, at least in the last couple years, is there still can be a lot of changing of schedules. There can be maybe not long term, but there can be weeks where Ryson's gone, working weekends a lot, or nights. I know that that was recent. Working nights. How do you manage the day to day of a changing schedule like that and separate from the little. The long term adjustments you might have to make? Because he is here. Right. So it's not like you just have your schedule and you get to operate it because he's still going to be, you know, in your way, essentially. Right. But you're. You're managing the day to day. So how do you. How do you balance the shift when his schedule either changes without notice? With notice, you have to be so.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: Flexible because there's things that. I mean, with the whole working nights thing, it's like he would be like, oh, I'm gonna come in at ten. And then the flight would get pushed back, and he's like, okay, I'm leaving at 02:00 a.m.. Now. And so you just have to be flexible with things that happen, and I just have to know. I'm gonna have to figure out what I'm gonna do with the kids, how the kids are gonna get to certain places. Luckily, with my job now, like, I have two kids with me constantly, so it's not as much as a, you know, bouncing back and forth of where they are, but, I mean, being flexible and then trying to be as patient as possible with it, but it's. It's hard. It's a lot. It becomes a lot on your shoulders, because, again, everything falls on you, but your partner's still next to you all the time, so it's like, you have to do all the work, and then your partner's right there, and so it makes it.
You have to put aside your feelings sometimes and realize that's their job. Like, they have to do this, but still, it's like, I need you to pick up some slack. Like, I need you to help here or whatever. So.
[00:18:33] Speaker B: I have helped so many people start their marriage off right with a premarital agreement. But going through this process with people time and time again, I have learned that just getting a premarital agreement left gaps in the premarital planning process. It was my job to handle the legal and practical outcomes of the process, including preparing what I consider to be a type of marriage insurance to reduce conflict and the amount of money the parties may spend in the event of divorce. But what about the hard conversations that don't necessarily make their way into a prenup? This is why I created marry me smart, a premarital planning method that guides you through the important steps to take before you say I do so you can build a solid foundation for successful and lasting marriage. Marry me Smart is now live and available for purchase and for a limited time, is $100 off my marry me smart premarital planning course guides you and your partner through hard, uncomfortable conversations you need to have before you walk down the aisle, from finances to children, housework expectations, family dynamics, holidays, and outlines the legal considerations every couple should know. This is what I call the discuss and disclose phase of marry me Smart. Now, you can take it one step further with phase two, which is the smart start marital operating agreement course. Take everything you talked about in the first course and work it into a marital operating agreement that is aimed at how you two intend to navigate certain certain decisions throughout your marriage, you will get a guided training as well as a customizable word document to edit and save for yourselves.
What you learn from these two courses will answer the important question, do we want a prenup? Now, notice I didn't say, do you need a prenup? Because that answer, in my mind, will always be yes, but do you want one? Is it right for your marriage? Knowing the laws of your state and turning that marital operating agreement into a legally binding contract in compliance with your state laws is the final phase of marry me smart. You can get both marry me smart courses by following the link in the show notes. Now back to the show.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: How, how do you feel you are able to respond on a day to day basis? I would say to her energy that might not be knowing her and being friends with her, I can say this, but I not be as gracious. Right. Because she's right. She's frustrated or tired or how do you make adjustments to respond and support her in those moments?
[00:21:07] Speaker D: Yeah, I think there's some stuff that I just can't control. Right.
But there's things that I can do. So whether it's like, all right, I had a work trip. I can sleep in that night and fly out the next morning to come home, or I take a red eye and try to get home at 02:00 in the morning and try to be up at six or seven when the kids get up.
It's kind of those little things. So with the night shift, it was two and a half hours of sleep and all right, let's gonna wake up. Kids are on spring break. Let's try and help out around the house and be kind of miserable and tired. And I think those kind of sacrifices, at least in my head, mean a lot of. So it's kind of what I try to do and balance that out. But at the end of the day, unfortunately, it all kind of falls on her and somehow she makes it all work.
[00:21:59] Speaker C: Yeah. And I mean, I'm so much is going through my head because our lives are so easy. I know people listening can't see, but my husband is sitting with us just kind of listening. But I feel like our life is so, our schedules are so routine. We're pretty much nine to five.
The most I can complain about with a schedule change is when he started working from home. He was around in the morning and he was just in my way sometimes or still in the bed. So I couldn't make the bed. Like that is what I complain about. So when I'm sitting here listening, I'm like, oh, my God, that sounds like a fucking nightmare to be by yourself that long, to have to manage it all and even, especially.
And on the flip side of that, feeling a little helpless and that, you know, he's working nights and he's doing everything he can, but he also has to sleep, you know, like, that's such a hard balance. I'm. I said, I'm like, get out. Get out of bed so I can make the. I don't even make the bed anymore most days. Cause he's still sleeping in it and. Or, like, just being able to, like, get up and get ready and do my makeup and turn the lights on. He's still in bed. It's annoying. When I used to have the mornings to myself, when he used to leave for work at 530 in the morning, he'd be gone. And it was like, oh, I essentially have to ask myself, that is the shit that I am complaining about.
So I can't even begin to.
[00:23:21] Speaker A: Well, no, I can relate to that. Cause when he's gone for whatever, like, the last eight weeks that he was gone, it's like, you get into a routine where I'm like, okay, I like this. Like, I get into bed, I read my book, there's nobody bothering me. And then he comes home, and I'm like, why are you bothering me? I want to read my book. I have my routine. So. So I get it. I completely understand.
[00:23:38] Speaker C: Exactly in your way, just, like, pining for attention from you. But you're like, no, I'm groovy right now.
[00:23:46] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:23:47] Speaker C: So what's interesting then, is I would imagine that it makes it that much harder to find time to actually spend just the two of you not thinking about the kids, talking about the kids, coordinating schedules, talking about what the next week looks like, because there's such limited time to do that. So when schedules are crazy, how do you guys find time for just the two of you?
[00:24:16] Speaker A: It's usually Friday and Saturday night. Or, I mean, during the summertime, since I teach, like, I have the whole summer. And I feel like that's when we really connect. Cause I stay up later, like, I'm not as stressed. I'm not working. Yes, I'm taking care of my kids still, but I'm not taking care of a bunch of other people's kids. So I feel like that's when we really are able to come back together. But during the school year, I feel like it's Friday night and Saturday night, if we don't have other obligations and that we will watch a show or sit on our phones and not talk to each other, but be in close proximity. It's our easy, simple things sometimes.
[00:24:56] Speaker D: Yeah. I mean, we have a pretty stereotypical of, like, hey, Friday nights, we're gonna order sushi, sit on the floor, watch MasterChef Junior, and kind of figure that one out. And I think it's just kind of the routine you get into in a long term marriage.
But, like, when we're able to go out, we're awesome.
The kids just kind of bring us down.
But just, like, when we get that time to ourselves and we kind of reconnect, like, we're still 22 years old and goofing around and making fun of each other and cracking jokes, and it all kind of fades away. So it's, how do we finding time to get back to that and remembering that we need to find time to get to that?
[00:25:43] Speaker C: Well, and this is why I tell you it's funny when you try to act like you guys aren't our best friends. Because I. I know what you guys do when you have babysitters. Cause you're with us.
[00:25:52] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:25:53] Speaker D: I mean, since you brought that up, since you guys are so close and we just mentioned, it's hard to kind of figure out that time, I'd like you to just, Chelsea, kind of vow to your.
[00:26:02] Speaker C: I have offered to take all three of them, and I don't know what I'm doing.
[00:26:06] Speaker D: I just say, you make the formal statement right now to your viewers and say, like, yes, I will give you guys two date nights in the upcoming month.
[00:26:13] Speaker C: I mean, at minimum.
[00:26:14] Speaker D: At minimum, two. That's great.
[00:26:16] Speaker C: I know, but no, yeah, nice try. A minimum. I've said, like, when the kids are asleep, like, I can go sit and watch tv in your house, and you guys can at least go out for an hour or two and, like, get some drinks.
[00:26:28] Speaker A: Like that.
[00:26:29] Speaker C: There's two of us, and she's. She ain't going nowhere, you know?
[00:26:32] Speaker A: But.
[00:26:33] Speaker C: So I know what you guys do when you actually have time. Cause you're using hanging out with us like you are right now. Cause this is a Friday night.
[00:26:40] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:26:42] Speaker C: So then what advice would you give to a younger military marriage about how to find time to connect and make it work while they're navigating? Kind of the stressors that that lifestyle can put on you.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: I would say you're gonna have to make your relationship a priority, because the military definitely can overshadow with certain things, especially with different jobs. I mean, Bryson's job before was a lot. He could be called in for different missions. Is that the right word?
And you just have to know, like, okay, if we want to have spend time together this week, when are we gonna do it? Like, could something drop and come in from work or do we. So just being flexible, understanding that you're gonna have to put your relationship at the forefront as much as you can. If it's work, then it's your relationship right afterwards, so that you know that you're able to get time and connect with your partner.
[00:27:44] Speaker D: Yeah, I think it's a balance that I tend to forget a lot of. There's always competing priorities, but making sure whether it's work or family or something like that, not one of them stays in the forefront for too long.
It's definitely something I forget and have to kind of remind myself on.
But at the end of the day, to make this all work, you need to be grateful and at least recognize those patterns that you're gonna go through in your relationship.
[00:28:13] Speaker A: I do think with the military, too, it's his second. Well, I mean, first family, I guess, but it's another family to him. So the guys that he's with, they go through so much together. And when you're not in it, especially with our. His little team that he had before, now that he's at this new job. But, like, the women weren't super close, so other bases or whatever, like, the women can get close, and then you have this, like, understanding of people who know what you're going through where, like, where we don't have anybody else around us who really fully understand it. We never got super close. Well, I never got super close with people, so I never really had, like, an outlet. So I think if women or partners are able to have an outlet, it makes things easier to also manage and understand, like, when their job is crazy and, like, maybe you don't have time to make it, you know, first priority, they kind of get it. Sorry, I did have a question.
[00:29:09] Speaker D: Because police and military have some of the.
[00:29:12] Speaker A: Highest rates of divorce in the country.
[00:29:16] Speaker D: Why do you think that is?
I think Jackie had mentioned it a couple times where sometimes a job comes first, and at the end of the day, you have what you appear to be a really noble cause.
So right now, the team that I'm with focuses on nothing but rescues.
So whether it's a sailor 1400 miles off the coast of Mexico, like, our team immediately drops what we're doing, comes in, launches aircraft, and goes out to get them.
Same thing on the police fire. Like, there's always a competing priority, and it's incredibly hard on a family to get that through. And if you don't communicate or change and be really present when you are around, I think what's going to lead to it really quickly, I guess also if you're away from home a lot and people make really dumb decisions in the spur of the moment, unfortunately, I've seen it and it's something they probably immediately regret or hopefully do.
But, yeah, I think it's all that balance and continuing to change with your partner as you guys get older and change who you are yourselves. I think that's how you make it last and kind of beat that statistic.
[00:30:41] Speaker A: Yeah, you have to put in the work. I feel like you have to put in a lot more work when you're in that type of field and knowing what you're getting into. Because, like he said, like, expectations. Yeah. They're gonna put their job, which is helping other people before they're gonna put themselves or their family, because they're wanting to help other people.
And you as a spouse have to be able to realize, okay, like, we're not first priority right now until this job gets done. And realizing you're gonna have to step up to help so that they can help somebody else, it's kind of hard dynamic. I think for some people when you're like, wait a second, like, I'm at home with the kids by myself and you're off running around doing this, like, why aren't you home helping me? So being able to, like, understand that.
[00:31:24] Speaker C: Yeah. And this is, I talk about this a lot when I talk about premarital planning in general. It's like making sure you're managing expectations and you have to ask yourself, right, like, can I be a spouse to somebody who is not going to be able. Not like, just not putting you first, but not to be able to put you first sometimes or your family first for the simple fact that that's the job that they've chosen. And some people simply say, oh, I'll be fine, but they haven't really had a reality check about what their needs are.
And that person's totally entitled to feel that way and make a different choice if that's not something they can sacrifice for themselves in a marriage. But I feel like so many people don't have that real conversation because obviously they love somebody. We all know love's not enough. You have to think about the dynamics of what the relationship's actually going to look like. And if your partner has chosen a field, like a first responder, military, anything that's going to take you away, take them away from you and your family. You have to really be like, okay. I'm gonna be on my own a lot, and I've got to be okay with that. And it doesn't mean that they're not prioritizing me as their spouse. It just means that I have to, you know, be okay. And I think. I think that's why there's. There a contributing factor, because I do agree with what Bryson said, too. I think a lot of people, when you're away, a lot, can make poor decisions, but I think that's a.
I think that's a symptom, not so much a cause, too, of feeling like their partner's just resenting them for constantly being away.
I've had a lot of cases with first responders, from police to fire, and there's a theme, surprisingly, I haven't done a lot of military divorces, even though there's been, like, the rates, especially in our area, are fairly high. But I have not had a lot of clients myself that are military as much as I've had a lot of police and fire.
[00:33:28] Speaker D: I think that's also kind of a.
You said it's kind of a symptom. I think it's more of a PTSD and compartmentalization of, like, hey, I don't know what to do with these feelings. And I think that's really systematic through all, you know, first responders of, hey, we have to be there and be the first one on scene, be the brave one, but we don't know what to do with those feelings afterwards. And some people go out and try to find that through alcohol or extramarital affairs or just pushing other people away. And I think that's really more the root cause of why a first responder divorce rate is fairly high.
[00:34:08] Speaker C: Yeah, it makes sense.
[00:34:10] Speaker A: I mean, when we were supposed to move to Texas, the job that he was supposed to take, my dad's friend had done the job before, and he had said, if your husband goes into this job, you're going to get divorced within one to three years. Cause he was gonna go into a job where he would have to be able to turn off, on and off his job. When he walked in the door and the guy had said, it's very hard for people to turn it off. And so he sees people get divorced all the time. I don't remember what the job was called. So that's why I'm kind of leaving.
[00:34:41] Speaker D: It kind of vague. So you can say, yeah, for the air Force as a military training instructor, drill sergeant, or, you know, whatever it is for each branch. And that would be obviously the same thing. Like, really difficult. Like, you need to be on point all the time throughout the day, and you just yell at people and there's a reason for it. But then coming home and making sure you turn that off of, like, okay, these people aren't trainees or students or whatever. They are. Like, these are your family.
[00:35:10] Speaker A: So I think that can be a factor, too, with, like, why there's higher things is people just not being able to, like, switch that flip and being like, I can't turn it off, and they do their job.
[00:35:21] Speaker C: So I wonder how annoyed you're gonna be on a daily basis by him when he's retired.
[00:35:26] Speaker A: Like, he's never gonna retire. We have this conversation all the time. He's like, I have four years. And I'm like, no, it's his. He loves his job. And I know he's not. He's gonna be like, okay, I'm gonna retire. And then it's gonna come up, and he's like, ooh, can I reenlist for another two? Like, great, go ahead. I know it's always gonna be something. I can't see him not being in the military. I know he wants to be out. It would be great if he was out, but I just. I can't imagine it. It's just his life. He knows it. And he likes the bro.
What? Bro ing out with his buddies. I mean, it's like his other family, so.
[00:36:01] Speaker D: Yeah, I mean, Jackie's used family a lot when it comes to work. And I refer to. I currently have 72 people underneath me, and I refer to them as my children because they're all morons.
So it's. Yeah, it's just one of those things where, like, this is all we have known. It was this lifestyle. So when you say, like, oh, well, Nick is gone for two or three days. That's all, you know?
[00:36:27] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:36:27] Speaker D: And we all have our own worlds that kind of go in, and I think that's kind of where we're at.
[00:36:35] Speaker C: What is your favorite thing about Bryson?
[00:36:40] Speaker A: I like how he's the life of the party, and he always pulls me out of my shell. Like, he wants to go out and be social, where I want to be a hermit and not do anything. And he's like, no, let's go. And then when we go out, we have a blast. And he's funny. I don't want to say it now that I have that on record, but he's funny.
[00:37:00] Speaker C: Well, Bryson, what's your favorite thing about Jackie?
[00:37:03] Speaker D: Jackie is everything I'm not, which is great.
She is a planner. She thinks things through.
She somehow can manage the world where I'm singularly focused, where Jackie's actually has a six month, three month, six month, five year plan. And I'm like, oh, what are we having for dinner?
I don't think those through. And Jackie has this. All this stuff in our head, so I think that's why we kind of work together really well. But more importantly, she cares so damn much. And if she considers you a friend, she will love and I will wholeheartedly believe she'll just knock some broad out for you.
[00:37:51] Speaker C: Oh, 100%.
[00:37:53] Speaker D: And that's kind of the one thing, is that she loves with all of her heart, and I'm lucky to be a recipient of that.
[00:38:00] Speaker C: Yeah, I think Jockey is one of the most loyal, for sure people that I've ever met. But I also. I think that. I think that's you as well, Bryson. I think. I mean, I've never felt so safe in a place where it's like, I know. And you guys have already shown this multiple times where I've had to. We're out of town, and I've had to call and we've asked for help.
I never worry being by myself here, being by myself with belly, like, knowing you guys are around. Obviously, we live in a community here, but there is nothing I couldn't ask that you guys wouldn't try to figure out for us and that, especially when we weren't planning on being parents, and now we are, like, we're in this totally different chapter. You guys have three. We have no idea what we're doing, you guys. I mean, you're getting there.
You have much more experience. I just feel so safe having you guys, not just, as, you know, two of the most important people in our lives, but literally our next door neighbors. We joke that we've tried to figure out how to create a sky bridge between our houses so we don't have to actually go outside and see people, which I'm still working on in my head. Maybe the HoA will approve that someday, but.
Well, I really love you guys. Thank you so much for giving us your Friday night so that I could get to know you even better.
[00:39:26] Speaker A: Thanks for asking us to come on.
[00:39:29] Speaker D: Yeah. It was something we had never really talked about and spurred a conversation to so interesting things that we brought up.
[00:39:35] Speaker A: That were like, oh, that actually happened. So it was nice.
[00:39:38] Speaker C: Good. That's the best.
[00:39:39] Speaker A: Yeah, totally.
[00:39:40] Speaker C: All right. Well, thanks again.
[00:39:41] Speaker A: Thank you.
