Episode Transcript
[00:00:27] Speaker A: Hey. Hey.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: Friends.
[00:00:28] Speaker A: Okay, so anyone that knows me knows I love love. Well, Leah Mitchell helps strong, successful women be shamelessly loved by a heartfelt, masculine leader. She leans in hard to the science of attraction while acknowledging that love is not always rational. Her unique perspective on matchmaking and dating is something you will want to hear. We had so much fun chatting. Enjoy.
Good morning, Leah. How are you?
[00:01:01] Speaker B: Good, how are you?
[00:01:02] Speaker A: I'm good. Thank you for sitting down to chat with me today.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Thank you for having me.
[00:01:09] Speaker A: I am so fascinated by your story and your coaching business and the way that you approach kind of this ultimate matchmaking, soulmate finder mindset that you instill in a lot of your clients. And I think it's different than some of the other kind of love coaches, relationship coaches that I've spoken to in the past. So I'd love to know a little bit about you and your background and how you got into relationship coaching.
[00:01:42] Speaker B: Absolutely.
So I guess the best way to explain my story is really in my personal story of love because this really took me in this direction of work, and when I think about what I went to school for, it very much ties in now. But I would have never guessed when I was in university that this is what I was going to be doing. So when I was 17, I got my first real steady boyfriend, and this was one of those, like, I went in full open heart. I'm 17, I'm so excited to have a boyfriend. I felt late to the punch in terms of other people, like having partners, and I was 17 already worrying about that.
And that just goes to show how much we worry about as women, like finding a partner and that being some signification, like some kind of way to measure our worthiness, you know what I mean? So I absolutely was so excited. And he was one of my friends and we loved working out together and doing all these things. And as we started dating is when things really kind of took a turn for the worst in our relationship.
And it was one of those relationships where I could not get this man's attention off of other women and.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: I.
[00:03:15] Speaker B: Couldn'T really get him all to myself in terms of his friends were more important, partying was more important. And of course, we were young, but this was an on and off again relationship for a good three years, and I really felt strongly about this person and it was consistent chase for me. I was always chasing for his love. I was always trying to fight over it, convince him to come see me when I left for university, convince him that I'm worth more than a party, a host party in his hometown. And I'm worth coming to visit and questioning while these girls are always commenting on his Instagram pictures. Like, all those things that happen to you when you're really young and it's like you realize that you're chasing and you have to beg and you're becoming desperate, but it's not something that's super conscious. And so after doing this, I finally cut off the relationship. It went up and down, as they do. And I then started approaching dating as a newly single woman. And I was dating for about a year. I would say, all in all, but I was dating really fast. I was, like, trying to prove that no man could ever hurt my heart ever again. I was very in my masculine energy. I was, like, guarded, right? Because that vulnerable side of myself tried to connect with someone who kept breaking up with me, who kept ditching me because he didn't want to come and visit me at thanksgiving and stuff like that. And so I really closed down. And I was trying to be that cool girl that could have sex and not get attached was just absolutely too cool to get into the emotional connection. And this obviously led me to some very precarious dating situations where I knew, like, I'm never going to bring this person home to my parents. They're not worth being around. But I was thinking that I didn't look at this as a bad thing. I actually looked at it as, like, me getting back at, in a way, what had happened to me. And this ended up leading to a sexual assault in the dating experience.
And when that occurred, I really started to go honestly downhill in terms of my trauma. Symptoms were coming to a full, very dramatic extreme. Couldn't. And it wasn't that I was being dramatic. The symptoms themselves were just getting more extreme. I wasn't sleeping. I was having panic attacks. I developed bulimia. And it wasn't like a body image issue. It was a straight trauma response to try to grab some control over my oxytocin and my cortisol levels in my body. And I was coming to a breaking point. And my mom introduced me to a naturopath because she could tell I was unhealthy, I wasn't properly all those things, but I didn't really tell anyone much about what had happened. And so this naturopath and I did this weird diet that was supposed to bring the yeast out of your body. It changed the way I looked, like I was getting infections all over, and I was starting to get cystic acne for the first time. In my life, and this was, like, my breaking point. I was like, I can't control anything right now. And now someone's taken away. The only thing that I could count on was that people liked me because of how I looked. Like someone takes that away, I'm at rock bottom. So I told her, I can't do it. I'm quitting. And she introduced me to an energetic healer, and I was like, okay, this is weird, but I tried psychotherapy, and I didn't connect with it very well. And that was just my experience.
I totally see the value in therapy, but it just wasn't hitting the right nerve for me in terms of my trauma recovery. So I worked with this lady one time for one session, and I never had a bulimia episode again. I did the energetic healing, and really, what we're doing is the subconscious reprogramming. We're getting, activating that subconscious level and working with those parts. And my panic attacks went away after two weeks, and I started doing this in May of 2018, and it's crazy. I met my husband in June of 2018 after attracting guys that just wanted to sleep with me, that just saw me as sex, that wanted to make me chase them. We're not real masculine men. We're just little boys, basically, and just doing a month of that work to reprogram my subconscious, this is how I was able to attract a real, really masculine kind, safe, wonderful man.
But of course, my behaviors didn't change. I still wanted to chase. I was still desperate. I was still needy. And so it took ten months of me chasing my husband and me finally figuring out what I'm doing isn't working.
And I developed a strategy at that point to see chasing isn't working. I want a commitment. If that's not you, that's no problem. It's what I said to him. I like you a lot, but it's okay. I really want to be someone's girlfriend. And within a week, I was his girlfriend, and the rest is history. And our relationship has consistently gotten more wonderful. But that's really how I developed this idea of combining a subconscious reprogramming, which is so, so necessary. And I'll go into the pheromones of subconscious reprogramming soon.
And then also combining a dating strategy to actually change the low value behaviors that I developed and showing up as my best self by this combination. So when I graduated university, I wanted to work with people. The mental health industry was not getting into that entrepreneurial crave that I had, and so I connected with my coach after being rejected from grad school, and I said, I don't know what I want to do now. I was going to grad school mainly because I didn't want to keep doing a nine to five. I hated it. And so she's like, well, why don't you do this? You believe that this works? And so I took six months to nail down the healing modality that I used for over five years at that point, consistently. So I knew it worked. I absolutely loved what it did for me. And then I developed into my coaching. I noticed that all my clients were doing so much better in their relationships and finding their soulmate with my coaching that I was like, oh, let's niche this down. There's something here that I need to pay attention to. And so this is how I've really started to develop my strategies, my methodologies, and everything is now so concrete in a system to get ladies from being single to. With their soulmate. That that's kind of my story on how I. The long story on how I got started.
[00:10:32] Speaker A: Yeah, I mean, it's so interesting.
Everybody has kind of a different journey that takes them into their professional career. Right.
And to hear that it really was your real life experience and using tools that you learned from other people, but also adapting them for what worked for you into a business, I always just think is like the best avenue of a career somebody can choose to take. And not everybody gets to experience that, right? Not everybody gets to experience what it's like to turn your life and something you're passionate about and believe in into a career that you can continue to develop and share with others. So I think that that's really amazing and also inspiring to other people who are kind of in that place where you're stuck trying to figure out what the right career path is for you. But take a look at your life experience, and I think you're kind of a perfect example of that.
[00:11:39] Speaker B: Thank you. Absolutely. It's crazy after we go through very traumatic things and we have to do all this work, and I hear this all the time, like, how tiring the work ends up being. I sit on calls with women who have been through divorces or relationships with narcissists, and they're like, I've healed that. Come on. I've done so much work already. How dare this still be an issue for me? And the reality is that healing is like a lifelong journey. But there is a day where you're grateful for what happened to you, and it's absolutely insane feeling, but I remember the other day I was like folding clothes and I started crying because I was like, I'm never going to have to go back to my nine to five. I've figured it out in the entrepreneurial world. And I thought back to those days where I was like, how dare this have happened to me? And I need to prove something, that it didn't affect me. And when I finally realized, no, it did affect me. And that's what makes me special.
That's what makes me able to do this work and help women. That's where that full gratitude comes in. And you can't stop the tears. And it's absolutely wonderful.
[00:12:58] Speaker A: And I feel like when you can pull that kind of gratitude into working with clients, you just enjoy the process so much more. It doesn't mean every day is going to feel joyful from your experience, but when you're able to kind of see that progress with somebody else and help somebody else because of that experience, the gratitude I feel like is just multiplied.
So tell me a little bit about maybe your typical client or even your ideal client. Right? Because those two things are not necessarily the same sometimes in business, but because you're kind of talking about a lot of this attraction kind of energy that has a big place when it comes to running a business as well when you're attracting the right kind of client. But talk to me a little bit about typical or ideal. Maybe those two things are the same. But tell me a little bit about your business in particularly and the clients you work with.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: Absolutely. So I have two very dreamy clients and these ladies do the absolute best in my programs and working with me for where I'm at right now in my business.
So on the one hand, it's a woman who is already dating consistently, who has been on the dating apps for months, maybe years, and it's just not working. They're chasing guys on the apps, they're trying to get dates, they're not getting messaged back. Everything's almost like that cold.
The apps are just not hitting and they're getting burnt out. And dating app burnout is a real thing and there's no emotional connection. It gets so frustrating.
And then I have the woman who dated a few years back when her past relationship ended. And it was typically a fairly toxic, abusive relationship. And so she tried dating, it didn't work. And her break to start her business or to throw herself into her career, it was one month and then twelve months and then three years. And now she's like, it's absolutely terrifying thinking about being intimate with someone else, thinking about going on a date, and realizing halfway through, I don't even want to be here anymore. They don't want to put themselves out there because that possibility that it's going to make them feel like they have to start over again as where they were when they first ended that toxic relationship and completely lost themselves. So there's these different integrations into where you're at right now, but the result is very much the same. And my programs work so well for both kinds of women.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: Just hearing about dating apps gives me anxiety. I kind of skipped that chapter in the sense that when I met and was dating my husband, it was like Tinder, and those types of things were just coming around. I'm kind of aging myself a little bit, so I skipped that whole, I think it was only like online dating sites that you use back in the day.
But just hearing that, I can't imagine, especially if you feel like you really want it or in a situation. The latter example you gave where there's kind of this trauma experience and that fear could be very overwhelming to dive into something like that.
[00:16:30] Speaker B: Absolutely. And I think even if I look at both of those client journeys, they absolutely both have equal amount of healing to do. And even though one is able to be like, no, I'm going to date, dating doesn't make me nervous. I just really want to meet someone. I'm focused on the timeline. Those are the ladies that come to me, and they're currently dating because they're so focused on that timeline. And their pain really sits in the age they are that they don't have what they want yet, that other people around them have what they want, and they feel like that black sheep of the family. They feel like that invisible person because they don't have kids yet, because they're not in a family, because they haven't had a wedding for people to come to. And that invisible feeling seems to be where their heart really hurts. And it's working through those subconscious pieces of those societal expectations, those cultural, those familial expectations of, we need to be here by here in order to help them approach dating authentically. Because both women want an emotional connection. That's their goal. That's the real big thing, is like, I don't care. Physical attraction is important, intimacy is important. But what I really, really need, and I'm not willing to settle for less, I'd rather stay single. I need emotional connection. And this really is only possible with authenticity. And when we have these things that have happened to us, or not happened to us that we want.
This impacts the way we get to show up authentically to date and in the relationship and love world completely.
[00:18:23] Speaker A: Yeah. Wow.
I guess I would imagine that it's all part of being open to the process. Right. Whether it's showing up just in general for yourself, showing up for the dates, showing up for the person that you're pursuing or want to be pursued by, but also showing up to do the work with you. Right. And being open to the different tools that can be presented. And this kind of takes me to what, when I was reading your website, there was kind of this framework that you had. It's like the Mr. Wright magnet mythology and these three key elements, and I found them to be very interesting, but I want to know more. Can you talk a little bit about that?
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Absolutely. So I've got my subconscious reprogramming, which really comes into my alpha brain wave method, and then the signature dating strategy and the intimacy alchemy. Now, this is a three step process, but what we're really talking about here is how to develop that emotional connection in a relationship. And this starts right from how you show up on a dating app, which is crazy, because we attract people based on our authenticity. And this really ties into my pheromone work on we have these chemical signals coming in and out of our bodies, and they're interpreted on a subconscious level very quickly. We actually have something called chemical compatibility that we can sense on a subconscious level, and this attracts us and repels us from certain people. So when we think about that first stage, this alpha brainwave method, what I'm doing with this methodology is we are getting to a state of the brain called the alpha brainwave state that allows us to access that subconscious from a neutral zone. So it's not like my clients cry in session a lot when we're doing this work, but it's not like a scary emotional situation. It's a release. It's such an epic release, to be honest. And so we go into this alpha state because you also have this beta brainwave, and your beta brainwave is your logic. And the reason why it doesn't work when we're talking about love is because love is not logical. It is something in our dna that we crave, but it's not based on logic. We would die for someone we love. That's not logical. That actually works against our survival instincts. This is why when we have traumas to do with relationships and love, they're so painful and they're so extreme, and it's because we need to really get into that alpha brainwave and out of the logic state in order to work with that subconscious reprogramming. And when you do the subconscious reprogramming, there's, like, three very particular parts in my ferroglow method, which is my pheromone method, that work with the subconscious reprogramming. But I say it all the time.
The reason why these perfume bottles that are the pheromone perfumes and stuff like that don't work, and they are known as such a big scam, is because you can't put subconscious programming into a perfume bottle. And when those biochemicals that we can interpret from other people, they actually tell us a lot about someone's emotional state, and that's the attraction and the repelling. And you know how people with anxious attachment style will be attracted to each other and people with secure attachment style will be attracted to each other? It's that same concept. And by changing your pheromones and doing the subconscious reprogramming to activate your prefrontal cortex part of your brain, this allows us to actually shift our attachment style within a few sessions of changing your subconscious programming. So we are like, removing those belief systems that raise our cortisol levels that lower our pheromones. It's a very extreme process, but it happens so easily in this alpha brainwave method. And then because healing and the subconscious reprogramming takes time, I still want to protect my ladies. And the way to protect yourself in dating, in love and relationships, is boundaries. And so my dating strategy is built on boundaries that stop low value behaviors. And how we get these low value behaviors, like the chasing the desperate, the clingy, the anxious attachment styles, the self sabotaging ways that we self sabotage relationships.
These all happen because of those traumas and experiences right from childhood that has conditioned us to react in a very particular way. That's low value. If you had a fleeting parent, like a fleeting love within a parent, you're going to chase love.
I'm a middle child. I love attention. I crave attention. So for me, one of my low value behaviors is I'm attention seeking. In my relationship. I really need to overly want the love and see it come through. And this is something I would suffocate my partner if I didn't work on this. Right? So the subconscious reprogramming helps tremendously in changing it for the long haul. But I want my ladies to be protected, rape in the beginning and not be chasing men. So that dating strategy is basic ideologies that they live by in the dating atmosphere that protect them from the red flags. They can see the red flags clearly. They know the green flags. They don't message birth. They stay in their feminine energy. But I'm doing this by giving them a clear outline, because I know that subconscious reprogramming with time does the work. But let's start showing up as that highest self and that feminine energy and that magnetic attraction through the dating strategy. And then the third phase is the more in depth phase, because it is the intimacy alchemy. And this is where we build that emotional connection through communication. But really, if you look at all three stages, the first one, we're bringing back your authenticity. We're removing the trauma blocks that have changed who you truly are and getting you back to who you truly are, because you're not the woman that's desperate. It's just the trauma that's made you that way. And then the trust is being built in the dating strategy phase and the emotional connection in the intimacy alchemy.
[00:25:10] Speaker A: I'm trying to think, right? Like, as I'm listening to you, I'm trying to do some self reflection on my experience.
I'll have been married for ten years in June, and my husband and I could not be different.
More different on paper, maybe just put us on paper.
And for me, what I feel like when we were first starting to date, it was so fast, it was instant. It was one of those things where I spent about a week with him and knew. I'm like, I'm marrying this guy. Like, I just knew. And so when I'm listening to you talk about these things, I was not in a place to be that conscious of what was actually happening.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: 24 years old, I think, 23 when I met him, 24.
But that kind of high level understanding that this was more than impulsive. Right.
There was something happening on a higher level that made us both look at each other. Like, after two weeks, we're sitting here saying we're pretty sure this is forever. And it ended up working out that way.
But it's really interesting to break down when you come from a place of, okay, I'm looking for a relationship, and I'm approaching it from the start, but sitting here listening to you, I'm trying to reflect. Right. And trying to put myself. Like, did this work out that way? Were those things there that needed to be there? And of course, every relationship develops so differently. But as I'm hearing you, I feel like there was some element of that kind of high level connection that made it so instant for us where everyone was like, what, you guys literally just started dating? We're like, no, it's it. We were married less than two years after starting to date, and that was just timing. Right? And when I try to describe it to people, they don't get it. They don't get it, right. Even when we were dating, they're like, you two, really?
And we're like, you just don't get it, right. And so I'm minimizing substantially what you're saying because I feel like I've had an experience that somewhat lines up with some of the things that you're saying. And so it's just interesting for me to sit here and listen and try to think back and relate.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: Absolutely. My husband is the complete opposite person that I am. And my family thinks it's so funny because they're like, man, they joke that I would have never found a different husband, which is so rude, but they're joking. But it is like, I love to tease and be annoying and stuff like that. And my husband is the only person in the world who's been ever able to give it back to me and be witty and get out of my little arguments and stuff like that, that I'm just doing to play devil's advocate or just to see if I can get a reaction. And he's so good at being able to play along and play in my little skits and stuff like that. And without someone being able to be that silly and that playful, that's something that we share. We love comedy and stuff like that. But if you were to look at us on two different things, I'm extroverted. He is introverted. I'm a social butterfly. He's like very homebody.
He has anxiety. I've never dealt with anxiety other than right at my worst. But I wasn't even an anxious kid. Those things didn't exist for me. And so seeing and living together in that first part of being like, oh, my God, we are completely different people. But it was that playfulness and that excitement that kept it going. And I think another huge part of it, I talked about that emotional connection, and I think we forget this when we are, because, as you said, being 23, 24, and meeting your husband, you were just excited. You weren't thinking at the time, is this the person that I'm going to marry? What are our children going to look like? Does he have these characteristics that are red flags that I saw in my past three relationships? But when we get older and we still don't have what we want.
Our checks list gets much longer. And you had just as long of a checklist then as you would now, but it wasn't as conscious to you.
[00:29:40] Speaker A: Right.
[00:29:40] Speaker B: So you weren't approaching dating from, like, I need your job resume, you know what I mean? And that's a huge issue for women. And what this does is it makes them stop showing up authentically on the date. Right. And if we think about how the brain works with authenticity, which I think is important to point out, so you show up to a date, and you're more worried about, does he like me?
Does he have a good job? Like, all these different things, instead of sitting across, being like, do I even like this person in the first place? It should really be about, do you like them before you worry if they like you?
[00:30:17] Speaker A: Right, right.
[00:30:18] Speaker B: But we worry, and we perform and do all these things in his brain. Within 13 milliseconds, his mirror neurons can turn on, and he will, on a subconscious level, interpret that she's being inauthentic, that she's performing, that she's not showing up as who she is. She's showing up as her dating person. You know what I mean? Her dating personality. And then he mirrors, because they're mirror neurons, so he shut down his authenticity. And the big problem with this is, if you want emotional connection, you absolutely need trust. And in order to develop trust, you need authenticity. Because when his mirror neurons click on on a subconscious level and go, oh, she's inauthentic. It also goes, she's untrustworthy. We don't like phony people for a reason. And you don't think you're being phony on the date, but you're performing. You're trying to get him to like you. That is in his brain on a subconscious level, showing that you are not trustworthy. And so he never trusts you to open up, and then you feel like, oh, men are emotionally unavailable, and men are this and that. And really what's happening is we're not laying the foundation, because that trust is built 93% nonverbally in the brain. It doesn't even matter what you say. Only 7% is your words. 93% is your body language, your nonverbal cues, your tone of voice, your pace, your proximity. And these are the kind of tools that I use in my dating strategy to really help ladies nail down how to show up authentically on these dates, create that safe space for trust and vulnerability, and then they get that emotional connection, and they can get it on that first and second date, when they really step into the person they truly are instead of a woman that's worried about, is this the one? Is he the one? Is this going to work out? Is this a waste of my time? You know what I mean?
[00:32:08] Speaker A: Yeah. And it kind of goes back to what you were saying. It's coming from that desperate place, right? That timeline in your head place. The plans that you make before you're even in a place to be making plans. Right. The story that you want to paint versus just living life and experiencing it. But I can get that. That can be difficult.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:32:30] Speaker A: If you apply that to all sorts of different things, even making friends, interviewing for a job, most of the time, people show up and they put on a performance. It's not really them. And that can change the experience after the fact. Right. They're like, wait, this is what I remember you being like. And now all of a sudden, this is what you're like. And that can be both good and bad, right? It can be a happy surprise or a disappointment, depending on the experience. But being exactly who you are is not necessarily as easy for some people. And being able to get to a place where you can show up and be present in that moment and get that same experience back from the other person because you're putting yourself back in there, I really love that.
So what is new for Leah in 2024?
[00:33:24] Speaker B: So, most excitingly, I am dropping a podcast. So this is kind of something that I've been really wanting to do for so long. And I've got my episodes banged out for the launch, and we are launching on January 2. It's called the Mr. Right Magnet podcast, and I'm so, so excited to be doing this. This is really what I'm focusing on in January. But of course, every month I run a free event, whether it is I've popped out a free course or it is a free mastermind where you get to sit with me for three days in an exclusive small group of women, and we go over my dating strategy. Regardless, if you're finding me on Facebook, you're going to find something for free that you can absolutely join in to see if this is the right fit for you.
[00:34:15] Speaker A: Okay. And where can everybody find you?
[00:34:19] Speaker B: Facebook is best. I am the Mr. Wright Magnet on Instagram, but Facebook. Leah Mitchell and I also have a Facebook group which has access to lots of free offers that is also linked on my Facebook page.
[00:34:35] Speaker A: Perfect. And I'll make sure to put all of those in our episode notes for our listeners. Leah, thank you so much for spending time with me today. I really enjoyed hearing about your business and your approach to dating and hope to stay in touch.
[00:34:47] Speaker B: Thank you so much.
